Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Randomize