I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Randomize
