I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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