i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Randomize
