i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
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