He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
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