I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
