nut hugger
dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
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