fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Randomize
