bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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