So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
I got inside last night via doggy door
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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