I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Randomize
