I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
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