dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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