gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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