New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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