You smell like stripper and shame
Sober January is a disaster.
This show inspires me to have sex in space
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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