I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
