Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
