atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
