I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
I am midnight drunk by noon
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Randomize
