If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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