and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Randomize
