he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
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