My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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