Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
