They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
