I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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