thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
