her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
Randomize
