Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
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