got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Randomize