Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
