I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
