That's intense
Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Randomize
