***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
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