Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
lol hangovers are for mortals.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
