my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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