So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Randomize
