I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
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