I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
