dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
