i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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