Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
