Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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