go do what you do best...puke behind churches
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
