Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
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