Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
