you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
