I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Randomize