I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
