THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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