Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Randomize
