Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Randomize
