My girlfriend figured out who you are.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
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