You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Randomize
