my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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